It has been a long time since I have put thoughts down. I know I need a major adjustment for I feel lost, burnt out and so tired physically, mentally and spirtually. Things I once took pleasure in now seem to be a challenge. A business discussion or the simple activity of sorting things can become overwhelming and I want to yell STOP! I go through the motions but inside I am screaming, help or I don’t care anymore; this is not who I am – this is not ME.
My body and spirit have been trying to recover ever since I was involved as a First Responder with Hurricane Katrina, then Rita, Ike and recently Irene. It has been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs these last years as I have tried to be a Good Stewart and help those in need, be there for family, friends and acquaints and volunteer with various organizations, churches and as an individual.
Throw into that mix the everyday things that we need or should be doing, sprinkle with various health issues and mix well with the unexpected things that we encounter and I feel like a basket case on the verge of falling apart.
Talk to someone, I wish I could but don’t feel I can without feeling guilty about it and then I don’t know who it would be if I could. I would feel like I would be telling family, church or people that are counting on me, sorry, not today – please call and make an appointment.
You don’t want them to think you you don’t care, don’t love them, are that you are weak, and not dependable so, how do you say I need help myself when they look at you for strength and answers? How do you say fix it yourself when you know you can do it or have an idea on what to do to make it work.
How do you tell your spouse, who is the light of your life and know he is dealing with his own tiredness from long hours at work and daily stuff, or your daughters, who you adore and who are going through their own problems and could use Mom’s support and help, that you can’t handle any situation so, let’s not go there.
How do you say please, somehow hear me as I don’t know how to tell you how fragile I really am right now. How can I say I am on over load and cannot deal with even one more thing no matter how simple it might be? How do you erase the guilty feelings of saying I have to pay attention to me and not you?
When can No, mean I underst and what you are going through but please, just give me a little time and space so that I can be there for you but just not this minute, this hour or this day?
Please don’t think I have a huge igo as I know and so does My Lord that I am replaceable and there are others that are capable of doing the things I do. Why can’t I see them; is my vision so obscured that I can’t see the beauty of others ability because of all my short comings or attitude? Lord, help me as I pray with all my heart that is not the case. May my goal always be to strive to do your will and help my Neighbor as You have taught us.
My compassion to help runs deep. At times it seems like I can physically feel the pain that my family or someone is going through. I can hear it in their voice or see it in their body language or the activities they do or don’t do. Sometimes it is in what goes unsaid vs. what they actually say. It hurts me when I feel helpless with hands that seem tied and cannot ease the load they carry.
I feel I have lost ME somewhere along the way. My zeal for life, the joy that I get from family, friends, critters, church and helping my neighbor is gone. Let’s face it, I think my attitude sucks. I have gone from I care, we can help, we can make a difference to I am tired, I hurt, I just don’t care; and then I realize what I have said or was thinking. I fight the tears as I know that is not true and it is not ME speaking. Where have I gone?
My heart breaks and I want to cover my ears when I hear of suffering or injustice. Sometimes I want to shout to the world, why do you cause each other and all of God’s creatures such grief, pain and destruction? What do you not get about loving one another and all God’s creatures? What do you not understand about the golden rule of treating others like you yourself would like to be treated? What do we not understand about love God and love neighbor?
I stop reading the newspaper and hesitate listening to the news or watching certain programs. I don’t want to see the suffering and pain; it’s like a knife, it cuts my heart, it hurts too much.
Where do I go, to whom shall I turn? Deep within a small voice answers. I feel the darkness, there is no light; He is there and will not abandon me. He seeks to guide His lost Lamb back to His Father’s Flock. He drops signs here and there for me to follow. I feel a flash of hope as I utter a single word; Jesus. I will stumble on the journey, my fears will fade as The Light creeps in, for He is with me as I return to the sanity of His Grace.